Help Me Make the World Batter Place

From the people who brought you Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie opens today. In the name of all that is good and holy, don't go see this movie. That is the only way we can end the vicious cycle of awful, terrible, horrible, shitty movies that Jason Freidberg and Aaron Seltzer continue to put out. Their films open to terrible reviews from critics, movie goers, and anyone with a double digit IQ, yet a movie as spectacularly bad as Meet the Spartans still opened at number one in the box office. I actually made an attempt to watch the movie but only made it about twenty minutes before I had to turn it off for fear I would begin vomiting with rage.

Do not go see this movie. If it makes no money, perhaps Freidberg and Seltzer won't be allowed to make movies anymore. Perhaps, they'll be dragged into the streets and beaten within an inch of their lives, which is what they truly deserve.

I've Formulated a Miracle Anti-Aging Cream Out of Thousand Island Dressing and Ground Up Cigarette Butts

Actress Kate Hudson is being sued by a cosmetics company called 220 Labs for stealing their "secret recipe" for a new shampoo line. Apparently Hudson and her people had an oral contract with the company to produce the new shampoo with a special secret ingredient. Once they found out what the ingredient was, they took off to another manufacturer and started production. Now Hudson and her "hair guru" David Babaii are being sued by 220 Labs for a whole list of things including fraud, misappropriation of trade secrets, and breach of contract.

The secret ingredient? Volcanic ash from the Vanuatu Islands in the South Pacific. That's right, ash. As in what's left behind when you burn things. Someone thought that'd be a great thing to put in your hair, so much so that they're suing for it. What possible benefit could this have? This is right up there with snake venom, bird poop, and bull semen as miracle ingredients in beauty products. If you ask me, it seems like every few years cosmetic companies come out with some new miracle product with an amazing new ingredient so they can charge an obscene amount for it.

If there really is some true benefit to adding volcanic ash to shampoo, I'd love to hear it.

Dancing With the Sharks

I have never watched a single episode of any of the six seasons of CBS's reality sensation Dancing with the Stars. When I learned that season seven starts in a month, I was startled to find out that the show had been around for seven years. Upon further research I discovered that the seven seasons had somehow been squeezed into five years. At this pace it'll surpass Survivor's ridiculous eighteen seasons in eight years.

The only reason I'm writing anything about the show is because I read this morning that television veteran Ted McGinley will be a contestant in the upcoming season. If you're not familiar with Ted, he's been around for years on shows such as Happy Days, The Love Boat, and most famously Married...With Children. Through no fault of his own he's seen as the kiss of death for a number of television shows. More a victim of bad timing, the general belief is that once Ted McGinley is cast in a recurring role a show's days are numbered. Apparently, Ted's got such a reputation for this that he's even got his own category over at JumptheShark.com.

Dancing's ratings were down last season as were every other show. They're adding Ted McGinley and American Idol is pulling a Cousin Oliver by adding a fourth judge in the upcoming eighth season. Not that I think either of these shows are going anywhere, but a man can hope.

Two 70's Music Groups, Just Add Water

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Remember...

Remember Anna Kournikova? The blonde, Russian tennis player? Well, she hasn't played professional tennis in years. She hasn't really done anything news worthy in a while. However, it recently came to my attention that she's still kicking around and still very, very hot.

Just thought you'd like to know.

A Record Breaking Weekend

With all the hubbub created by The Dark Knight at theaters last weekend, another important milestone has been overlooked.

According to E! Online, Space Chimps, which opened to $7.4 million and seventh place overall, is officially the most successful movie of all time with the word "chimp" in the title.

Take that, Batman!

I Couldn't Say It Any Better

I was working on writing something about the likes of Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and specifically the entire cast of MTV's "reality" show The Hills when I stumbled across this bit of sheer brilliance from Joel McHale and The Soup. The basic point I was going to make were that these people have no discernible talent or function other than showing up and looking pretty. There are millions of beautiful women in the world, a lot of which actually have some sort of honest to God talent to share and not just a giant ass and a sex tape. What is it about these vapid wastes of space that keeps them in the public eye?

When Audrina Patridge, who is a cast member of The Hills (I had never even heard of her or The Hills until a couple of months ago when I saw a news item saying there were naked pictures of her. I'll admit it, that caught my interest.) said she didn't want to talk about the show at a recent event Joel McHale had this to say:



That's pretty much what I was going to say, although much better and more succinct than I would've put it. Well played, Mr. McHale.

McCain Vows To Replace Secret Service With His Own Bare Fists If Elected

McCain Vows To Replace Secret Service With His Own Bare Fists

That sounds about right...

I just heard a live interview on the radio about a talent agency holding open auditions here in Louisville. They're looking for a variety of people, as the agency's rep said: "We're looking for actors, comedians, singers, dancers...if you have any sort of talent we'll take a look at you. Or if you're a model, we're looking for those too."

Hillary Clinton: The Democratic Party's Psycho Ex Girlfriend

So you meet this girl at a party. She seems very interested in you but you're not that crazy about her. In fact, there's things about her you find very annoying. But she's cute and persistent; and it's been a while since you've been with someone. You're more than ready to take a chance on anyone who seems even remotely interesting. You have some fun with her that night and she tells you she looks forward to spending a lot more time with you. You exchange phone numbers and go on your merry way, planning to call her next weekend to see what she's up to. You're surprised when she calls you the next day offering to buy lunch. "Maybe this girl's not so bad," you think. You hang out a lot over the next month or so, mostly when she calls you wanting to do things. You're still not crazy about her, but when friends ask what's up with you guys you say she's your girlfriend. In her head, she's already planning the wedding.

Things go along uneventfully. The relationship is stable. She obviously cares about you and wants to make you happy but you find yourself unfulfilled. You figure you'll stick it, as you don't want to be alone and no better opportunity has presented itself. Then, one day, just that happens. Some idle Tuesday afternoon while standing in line at the grocery store you meet the girl of your dreams. You're struck by how beautiful she is and can't resist the urge to start up a conversation if only to hear what her voice sounds like. She's smart, funny, and has a lot of the same ideas you do. Completely forgetting about the girlfriend you already have, you ask her if she'd like to go out sometime. She says she'd love to. You walk away with a smile on your face that you couldn't wipe off if you tried. Once you get back into your car, it dawns on you: "Oh yeah, what's-her-face. I guess I'll have to break up with her."

You try to break the news gently to her, knowing she's emotional, not wanting to cause too much damage. Surprisingly, she takes the news rather well. Well in the sense that it doesn't affect her at all because she doesn't believe you're serious about it. "Go have your fun, " she says. "I know you love me, you'll come back." Not wanting to make this any more complicated than it already is, you just say "okay" and leave.

You couldn't be happier with your new girlfriend. She's amazing. She's better than amazing...she's perfect. The only thing that could be any better is if your ex would stop calling you every day and pretending you guys are still together. Sometimes she even drops by your apartment or visits you at work, which is extremely annoying. Your new girlfriend understands that your ex has issues, so she's supportive. The two of you agree that eventually she'll get tired and give up. But she doesn't...she just keeps calling and dropping in unannounced. Finally, you're forced to tell her in no uncertain terms that you don't want to see her anymore. She says she understand, and for a while you don't hear a peep from her. It turns out to be just the calm before the storm. She not only starts calling and visiting you again, but you find out about a whole lot of other petty things she's been doing. Calling your girlfriend and leaving threatening messages, getting her friends to spread nasty rumors, making up stories about how you were mean to her back when you guys were together, telling everyone that you're dumping your girlfriend to get back with her, and generally just being a bitch.

You've had enough so you confront her about it. You tell her you're tired of her crap, that you guys are done and have been for a long time. That there's no chance at all of you guys ever getting back together. She keeps insisting that she still loves you and that you still love her you just don't realize it. "You're making a terrible mistake, " she says, "And I'm trying to make you realize that it's not too late. I'll still take you back." You reiterate the point that you don't want anything to do with her and it seems like the message sinks in.

Some time later, you've asked your girlfriend to marry you. She says yes and you're excited about taking the next big step in your life. At the engagement party, your ex girlfriend shows up to proclaim her undying love for you and yells to anyone who'll listen that she'll never give up on you.

Seems like the only thing left to do is call the cops.

This Will Be the End of Us All

When the book on the human race is finally closed, this will be pointed to as the specific moment that we began out inexorable march toward extinction. It won't be weapons of mass destruction, skyrocketing gas prices, or a world wide food shortage that does us in. It will be this:

Monkeys control robots with their minds

Don't say I didn't warn you.

American Idol

The finale of this season's American Idol airs this week on Fox. It's the battle of David vs., well...David. Singers David Cook and David Archuleta face off to determine who will...

I'm sorry, I can't even finish this. I just don't care. I really don't. I haven't watched an episode of American Idol since the finale of season three. Since this is season seven, that means I've been skipping out on America's most popular karaoke competition for four years now. Even more than that when you consider that I didn't watch any of season one and merely took in seasons two and three as a social event rather than for the show itself. I long ago stopped caring what happens on American Idol and now it seems I'm not alone.

This season of Idol boasts, if that term even applies here, the lowest ratings in four years. Viewership has slumped by more than ten percent. While the show still dominates the weekly network top ten, that ten percent represents millions of viewers tuning out. What's the reason? Some would like to blame the writer's strike, as most network shows have taken a hit in ratings this season. However, those were scripted shows. With no writers crafting new episodes, they had to take an extended break from the air aside from the usual one they take during the summer. The shows went away for a while, people fell out of the habit of viewing. So even when the shows came back, the ratings weren't quite what they used to be.

But American Idol isn't a scripted show. It didn't go anywhere. It's been going full blast, on schedule for the seemingly eight nights a week it's on since the January premier. Therefore, the writer's strike excuse doesn't really work here. People are tuning out of Idol for some other reason and I thinks it's just due to a general weariness with the concept as a whole. After seven seasons, people are getting tired of it. If you've seen one episode of American Idol you've seen them all. People sang, some were happy, others were upset, Paula was nice, Simon was mean and Randy said "dawg" a lot. Repeat ad nauseum.

"But every season isn't the same!", you say. "Every contestant has their own personality!", you say. I say, does it even matter who wins? The only Idol winners to go on to real success were season one winner Kelly Clarkson and season four's Carrie Underwood. And those were only after they ditched their "American Idol winner" identities and came into their own as performers. Season two's winner Ruben Studdard and three's Fantasia Barrino have gone onto mediocre success in the niches of gospel and Broadway. Season five winner Taylor Hicks' debut album performed so poorly that his record label dropped him. Some of the show's losers like Clay Aiken, Chris Daughtry, and Jennifer Hudson have gone on to great success despite not having enough fan support to give them an Idol victory. So I say again, doeas it really matter who wins or loses?

With the numbers slipping there was speculation that this may be the last season of American Idol, but executive producer/judge/world class asshole Simon Cowell claims they'll keep going. And why not? They're still one of the highest rated shows on television, garnering millions of viewers each week. As long as people keep watching they'll keep cranking them out.

I, like millions of other Americans, won't be watching.

Hello

I had a few things I wanted to write about and I didn't have anywhere to do it, so I decided to create a blog. My topics were various & sundry so I was left in a quandary as to what to call this blog. I opted to go with one as nondescript as possible.

Welcome to The World's (blank)iest (blank)!