I Couldn't Say It Any Better

I was working on writing something about the likes of Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and specifically the entire cast of MTV's "reality" show The Hills when I stumbled across this bit of sheer brilliance from Joel McHale and The Soup. The basic point I was going to make were that these people have no discernible talent or function other than showing up and looking pretty. There are millions of beautiful women in the world, a lot of which actually have some sort of honest to God talent to share and not just a giant ass and a sex tape. What is it about these vapid wastes of space that keeps them in the public eye?

When Audrina Patridge, who is a cast member of The Hills (I had never even heard of her or The Hills until a couple of months ago when I saw a news item saying there were naked pictures of her. I'll admit it, that caught my interest.) said she didn't want to talk about the show at a recent event Joel McHale had this to say:



That's pretty much what I was going to say, although much better and more succinct than I would've put it. Well played, Mr. McHale.

McCain Vows To Replace Secret Service With His Own Bare Fists If Elected

McCain Vows To Replace Secret Service With His Own Bare Fists

That sounds about right...

I just heard a live interview on the radio about a talent agency holding open auditions here in Louisville. They're looking for a variety of people, as the agency's rep said: "We're looking for actors, comedians, singers, dancers...if you have any sort of talent we'll take a look at you. Or if you're a model, we're looking for those too."

Hillary Clinton: The Democratic Party's Psycho Ex Girlfriend

So you meet this girl at a party. She seems very interested in you but you're not that crazy about her. In fact, there's things about her you find very annoying. But she's cute and persistent; and it's been a while since you've been with someone. You're more than ready to take a chance on anyone who seems even remotely interesting. You have some fun with her that night and she tells you she looks forward to spending a lot more time with you. You exchange phone numbers and go on your merry way, planning to call her next weekend to see what she's up to. You're surprised when she calls you the next day offering to buy lunch. "Maybe this girl's not so bad," you think. You hang out a lot over the next month or so, mostly when she calls you wanting to do things. You're still not crazy about her, but when friends ask what's up with you guys you say she's your girlfriend. In her head, she's already planning the wedding.

Things go along uneventfully. The relationship is stable. She obviously cares about you and wants to make you happy but you find yourself unfulfilled. You figure you'll stick it, as you don't want to be alone and no better opportunity has presented itself. Then, one day, just that happens. Some idle Tuesday afternoon while standing in line at the grocery store you meet the girl of your dreams. You're struck by how beautiful she is and can't resist the urge to start up a conversation if only to hear what her voice sounds like. She's smart, funny, and has a lot of the same ideas you do. Completely forgetting about the girlfriend you already have, you ask her if she'd like to go out sometime. She says she'd love to. You walk away with a smile on your face that you couldn't wipe off if you tried. Once you get back into your car, it dawns on you: "Oh yeah, what's-her-face. I guess I'll have to break up with her."

You try to break the news gently to her, knowing she's emotional, not wanting to cause too much damage. Surprisingly, she takes the news rather well. Well in the sense that it doesn't affect her at all because she doesn't believe you're serious about it. "Go have your fun, " she says. "I know you love me, you'll come back." Not wanting to make this any more complicated than it already is, you just say "okay" and leave.

You couldn't be happier with your new girlfriend. She's amazing. She's better than amazing...she's perfect. The only thing that could be any better is if your ex would stop calling you every day and pretending you guys are still together. Sometimes she even drops by your apartment or visits you at work, which is extremely annoying. Your new girlfriend understands that your ex has issues, so she's supportive. The two of you agree that eventually she'll get tired and give up. But she doesn't...she just keeps calling and dropping in unannounced. Finally, you're forced to tell her in no uncertain terms that you don't want to see her anymore. She says she understand, and for a while you don't hear a peep from her. It turns out to be just the calm before the storm. She not only starts calling and visiting you again, but you find out about a whole lot of other petty things she's been doing. Calling your girlfriend and leaving threatening messages, getting her friends to spread nasty rumors, making up stories about how you were mean to her back when you guys were together, telling everyone that you're dumping your girlfriend to get back with her, and generally just being a bitch.

You've had enough so you confront her about it. You tell her you're tired of her crap, that you guys are done and have been for a long time. That there's no chance at all of you guys ever getting back together. She keeps insisting that she still loves you and that you still love her you just don't realize it. "You're making a terrible mistake, " she says, "And I'm trying to make you realize that it's not too late. I'll still take you back." You reiterate the point that you don't want anything to do with her and it seems like the message sinks in.

Some time later, you've asked your girlfriend to marry you. She says yes and you're excited about taking the next big step in your life. At the engagement party, your ex girlfriend shows up to proclaim her undying love for you and yells to anyone who'll listen that she'll never give up on you.

Seems like the only thing left to do is call the cops.