Help Me Make the World Batter Place

From the people who brought you Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie opens today. In the name of all that is good and holy, don't go see this movie. That is the only way we can end the vicious cycle of awful, terrible, horrible, shitty movies that Jason Freidberg and Aaron Seltzer continue to put out. Their films open to terrible reviews from critics, movie goers, and anyone with a double digit IQ, yet a movie as spectacularly bad as Meet the Spartans still opened at number one in the box office. I actually made an attempt to watch the movie but only made it about twenty minutes before I had to turn it off for fear I would begin vomiting with rage.

Do not go see this movie. If it makes no money, perhaps Freidberg and Seltzer won't be allowed to make movies anymore. Perhaps, they'll be dragged into the streets and beaten within an inch of their lives, which is what they truly deserve.

I've Formulated a Miracle Anti-Aging Cream Out of Thousand Island Dressing and Ground Up Cigarette Butts

Actress Kate Hudson is being sued by a cosmetics company called 220 Labs for stealing their "secret recipe" for a new shampoo line. Apparently Hudson and her people had an oral contract with the company to produce the new shampoo with a special secret ingredient. Once they found out what the ingredient was, they took off to another manufacturer and started production. Now Hudson and her "hair guru" David Babaii are being sued by 220 Labs for a whole list of things including fraud, misappropriation of trade secrets, and breach of contract.

The secret ingredient? Volcanic ash from the Vanuatu Islands in the South Pacific. That's right, ash. As in what's left behind when you burn things. Someone thought that'd be a great thing to put in your hair, so much so that they're suing for it. What possible benefit could this have? This is right up there with snake venom, bird poop, and bull semen as miracle ingredients in beauty products. If you ask me, it seems like every few years cosmetic companies come out with some new miracle product with an amazing new ingredient so they can charge an obscene amount for it.

If there really is some true benefit to adding volcanic ash to shampoo, I'd love to hear it.

Dancing With the Sharks

I have never watched a single episode of any of the six seasons of CBS's reality sensation Dancing with the Stars. When I learned that season seven starts in a month, I was startled to find out that the show had been around for seven years. Upon further research I discovered that the seven seasons had somehow been squeezed into five years. At this pace it'll surpass Survivor's ridiculous eighteen seasons in eight years.

The only reason I'm writing anything about the show is because I read this morning that television veteran Ted McGinley will be a contestant in the upcoming season. If you're not familiar with Ted, he's been around for years on shows such as Happy Days, The Love Boat, and most famously Married...With Children. Through no fault of his own he's seen as the kiss of death for a number of television shows. More a victim of bad timing, the general belief is that once Ted McGinley is cast in a recurring role a show's days are numbered. Apparently, Ted's got such a reputation for this that he's even got his own category over at JumptheShark.com.

Dancing's ratings were down last season as were every other show. They're adding Ted McGinley and American Idol is pulling a Cousin Oliver by adding a fourth judge in the upcoming eighth season. Not that I think either of these shows are going anywhere, but a man can hope.

Two 70's Music Groups, Just Add Water

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Remember...

Remember Anna Kournikova? The blonde, Russian tennis player? Well, she hasn't played professional tennis in years. She hasn't really done anything news worthy in a while. However, it recently came to my attention that she's still kicking around and still very, very hot.

Just thought you'd like to know.

A Record Breaking Weekend

With all the hubbub created by The Dark Knight at theaters last weekend, another important milestone has been overlooked.

According to E! Online, Space Chimps, which opened to $7.4 million and seventh place overall, is officially the most successful movie of all time with the word "chimp" in the title.

Take that, Batman!

I Couldn't Say It Any Better

I was working on writing something about the likes of Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and specifically the entire cast of MTV's "reality" show The Hills when I stumbled across this bit of sheer brilliance from Joel McHale and The Soup. The basic point I was going to make were that these people have no discernible talent or function other than showing up and looking pretty. There are millions of beautiful women in the world, a lot of which actually have some sort of honest to God talent to share and not just a giant ass and a sex tape. What is it about these vapid wastes of space that keeps them in the public eye?

When Audrina Patridge, who is a cast member of The Hills (I had never even heard of her or The Hills until a couple of months ago when I saw a news item saying there were naked pictures of her. I'll admit it, that caught my interest.) said she didn't want to talk about the show at a recent event Joel McHale had this to say:



That's pretty much what I was going to say, although much better and more succinct than I would've put it. Well played, Mr. McHale.